Tuesday, September 14th 2010
Units of alcohol over the weekend:
Friday: 3...no 4. 2 Martini’s and 2 Guinness. Feng and The Tavern (Hartford, CT)
Saturday: 2 Blue Moon’s. Sheas (Manchester, CT)
Sunday: None!
Calories:
Super skinny! Sushi on Friday night (Crab Rangoon counts as Sushi, right?)
Weight:
+/- 0.
Food consumed today:
2 cups of coffee
a diet coke
oatmeal
3 mini muffins...fine 4.
salad
2 pieces of pizza
a cupcake
Fuck...well that looks way worse than I imagined, now that I see it typed out in front of me.
Purchases I've made since my divorce that I regret; or, Why I only have .43 cents in my savings account:
September 1st-14th
2 new skirts
tights
a fabulous (very understated) headband
2 shirts
8000 skinny pumpkin spice latte’s
So, I know I said I'd blog about “The Bachelor Party,” but tensions are still a little high following a major blowout on (perhaps near) the dance floor at the Scorpion Bar at Foxwoods. So I'll hold out until after the reunion episode of The Real Housewives of Central Connecticut tapes, before I divulge all the happenings.
But let’s just say, Danielle, Tereasa, and Caroline have NOTHING on my friends.
Anyway, so the quest for husband #2 is well under way. Thanks in NO part to online dating.
How I despise you, "winking," "ice breakers," and "top 5's!" Yet I can’t stay away from you. Kind of like the gym (actually, no, I can stay away from the gym fairly easily).
So, I thought I bring you a new guide: my do's and don'ts of online dating websites:
eharmony: Member since November, 2009. 1 year subscription: $230.00 (sacrificing 3 new outfits, a new tube of Lady Gaga Mac lipstick, and a bottle of Asti). My mother signed me up when she decided that I should start my search for husband #2, some five hours after my separation from husband #1.
eharmony has produced zero dates so far, and 2 phone calls (both from creeps, which I promptly ignored). eharmony's shtick: extensive personality testing. The site was invented by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, who supposedly has 35 of years experience, and a doctorate.
However, he RETIRED in 2006, which by my calculations makes him 103, and I suspect he has a Ph.D in something like 18th Century Slavic Literature.
Some of the adjectives that came out of my personality report: “able to cope,” “flexible,” “modest,” and “private”.
Oops, did my alter ego, that I never knew existed, take the test?
eharmony doesn't even let you email your matches until AFTER you go through this really boring process, where you answer generic (boring) questions back and forth with your matches about 86 times.
Essentially, the site doesn't work well for girls who've been on Ritalin most of their lives.
It would appear that I also screwed up on the question: “Do looks matter?” I must have put, “Not at all.” Generally, my matches are quiet, shy men with backgrounds in actuarial science. Men that have wedding receptions in “vanilla” banquet halls, and honeymoons at Sandals.
Can you picture me at a Sandals?!?
JDate: Jewish online dating website. As I stated before, I am TOTALLY willing to convert. So Charlotte. So SITC (Sex in the City).
However, in the 30 days I've been on this site, I have yet to find someone who I am willing to wear long sleeves on my wedding day for (let alone knock on a Ranbi's door 3 times for).
Plenty of Fish: Free online dating website. Emphasis on free. Basically, the guys who can’t afford the other dating sites.
Now, do you really want to marry someone who won’t pay 35 dollars a month to meet you? These are men who have wedding receptions in, well, they don't have receptions because they aren’t the marrying type.
Zoosk: Lame and weird. Don’t do it.
Match.com: Definitely, most of my results have come from Match.com. Also great if you like creepy, 50 year old men messaging you every once in a while.
Some of my "successes" with Match.com include Mr. two-dollar date, and a nice young man named Shawn.
Shawn (a.k.a., Hep. C)
Age: 28 years old
Profession: Tattoo Artist, or homeless person, not exactly clear on that.
Date: Sunday, 9:30pm at Rookies, Cromewell, CT.
Now, for those of you who don’t know about Rookies, picture the biggest dive bar you have ever been to. Add 4 pool tables, and a crowd of bearded, 50 year old men. Lastly, imagine that each one of those guys is undressing you with his eyes.
Welcome to Rookies.
9:28pm: I park my car and wait. Fuck! Why am I always early!? I look WAY to eager. I debate driving back home and back. I reapply my lipstick for the 800th time.
I call Ale.
Text Kelly.
BBM Effie.
9:29pm: Turn on 95.7.
9:29pm + 15 seconds: Turn off the radio. Sit in silence.
9:30pm: Check Facebook.
*ring ring*
Shawn: Hey Amanda, it’s Shawn, I’m here.
Me: Okay! I just pulled in! I will meet you out front.
As I approach the entrance to Rookies, I see a child (maybe 13 or 14?) with sleeve tattoos, weighing in at 115lbs (at the most).
“Please, no. No, no,” I think to myself.
“Hey, Amanda!” the young boy says, as he approaches me, and gives me a hug.
All I can feel are his ribs.
Fuck.
I really hate it when my dates weigh less than I do. How do I find these men, whose jeans wouldn’t fit around my left leg?
I glance at his “sleeves” (yes, he has tattoo’s everywhere), and wonder about the cleanliness of the needles he works with.
We go inside, and he buys me a drink!!! Already, the best Match.com date EVER (see “Two-Dollar Date”). We start chatting, and I begin to realize that he is monopolizing the conversation.
I’m supposed to me monopolizing the conversation! That’s what I do! Doesn’t he know it’s not about him? It’s about me.
This already isn’t going to work.
I feel my phone vibrate.
“Excuse me, I’m going to use the restroom.” I walk slowly to the bathroom, trying not to trip, while simultaneously trying not to get my heels stuck in puddles of old beer. Why didn’t I wear wedges?
Text (1) Mom: “amanda all tattoo artists probably have hep c. there is NO CURE for hep c!!!”
Right.
Reapply my lipstick.
I return to my bar stool. He starts talking, and my eyes glaze over. God, I REALLY have to pee, but I can’t get up again! Why didn’t I go when I was in there before?!?
“Blah, blah, blah, trailer park, blah, blah...“
Me: “Huh?”
Shawn: “Oh, I was just saying how my mom lives in a trailer park with her abusive boyfriend.”
UM. What?!
Me: "Right. Of course. Sorry, continue.”
In the next 10 minutes, I learn the following:
Hep. C's dad is a deadbeat father, who he tried to beat up at his sister’s wedding.
Hep. C used to do drugs, but nothing “really bad,” like heroin. Just pot, ecstasy and coke.
Hep. C used to live in the Caribbean, so he could party all the time, and not work.
Hep. C has money problems, and can barely afford his rent.
Shawn: So, you are divorced?
Me: Yup.
Shawn: Do you still have your rings?
Me: Yah, I was going to have them made into something else, or sell them, but I haven’t gotten around to it.
Shawn: Oh, I hope they aren’t blood diamonds. I don’t really believe in diamonds or marriage anyway.
I choke on my Bud Light. Surely, it's not because he can’t afford diamonds or marriage.
Me: “What?!?” I sputter.
Shawn: “Yeah, why do people even get married? It’s all for show.”
Me: “Yeah, I totally agree. Do you want to come over for a drink?”
Certainly, in retrospect, this evening probably should have ended differently.
As we drive (separately) to my apartment, I begin to think that things might be looking up with Shawn.
I call Ale.
Me: “So his family seems a little, um, sketchy. And he doesn’t seem materialistic. But I think I like him.”
Ale: “What do you like about him?”
Me: “Uhhh. Well, he talks a lot! Oh, and he likes animals!”
Ale: “Animals? So, you like him because he likes animals? Hmm. That’s kind of pushing it, isn't it?”
Me: “Shoot."
I describe the rest of the evening to Ale.
Ale: “Why do you think he asked you about your engagement rings?”
Me: "I don’t know, because he was curious..."
Oh, wait.
Me: “You don’t think he wanted to steal them?”
Ale: “That just seems like a 2nd date kind of question to me.”
We get to my apartment, and I offer him a drink. I tell him that I’m going to the bathroom, and I quickly throw my jewelry box into the dryer (fab hiding spot ladies!).
As I'm wondering if I shouldn't leave some decoy jewelry out, to throw Shawn off, it occurs to me that maybe I need to be just slightly more selective with husband #2.
Then I realize that Shawn's still a big step up from DB (but really, who isn’t?)!
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