"I like Ireland because it means I'm near France."

June 28, 2010


****NOTE: "ALEX" HAS REQUESTED THAT HIS NAME BE CHANGED TO ALEJANDRO, WHILE "ERICA" WOULD LIKE TO BE REFERENCED AS EFFIE FROM HERE ON OUT.*****


Units of alcohol over the weekend: Friday- 4 Bud Lights (Cookout at Alejandro's and Mark's apartment). Saturday 4 Miller Lights (Irish Festival, North Haven). Sunday- 1 SGM, 2 glasses of Pinot Grigo (at home with Daisy).
Cigarettes: 1 Thursday night (non-smoker). First time since college. Yup. Still hate it.
Calories: Over the weekend I know it must have been at least 10,000. Give or take a few thousand. (And when I say give or take I mean give...)
Weight: Gained 3 lbs and lost 2 lbs. YES!
Food consumed today: a medium iced hazelnut coffee w/ skim milk and splenda
a croissant
a lean cuisine
an apple
and a 10 calorie jello
Dinner- TBD (I'm thinking PIZZA.  I deserve it, for doing so well today!)


Real life excerpt from Match.com email:
"That's sounds like fun to have Daisy in your life. I have four exotic pets. They are two boy rats named Rory and Roy, and two girl rats named Raven and Reggie. I love them like family and treat them like family. "

Uhhh...seriously?? WHO tells a girl about PET RATS in the second email...or ever.

I give up.

Match.com subscription officially canceled (for the 1,205th time).



Anyway.


Setting: The Field Cottage, Leenane, Ireland (very picturesque). March 2010. Me, Effie and Alejandro decided to take a vacation together.

Day 2 of a week long vacation with 2 friends.

You may remember that Effie is single, Alejandro is engaged (likes Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber), and I am quiet obviously single.

Number of fights we have gotten into since leaving Logan: 45 (or 46, depending on what you consider a "fight"). Number of rental car accidents: 1. Number of pints: 10 (per day).

Now picture a little cottage that is modern, yet, in the middle of nowhere.

Effie is in the shower and I hear her yell, "Amanda, uhhh, the water just went out."

Fuck.

Next step: Force Effie to call the Irish plumber, Colin, to come fix the water. He agrees to come out at 8pm. Really? Is that the soonest?

After sneaking bottled water past Alejandro so that I can wash my hair I hear a knock on the door. I answer and there stands the man of my dreams...

actually not really.

...there stands a 275 pound, 6'2", red headed Irish man, who according to some may or may not be universally unattractive (but still better looking than DB).

I fall instantly in love with Colin's irish charm and boisterous personality. We agree to meet up later at the pub. Effie, Alejandro and I walk into this local pub and everybody stops in stares. We are clearly not one of the regulars. Finally Colin arrives and we talk all night until the pubs close. Effie, Alejandro, another local Irishman that lives near by, Colin and I decide to split a taxi home. We are riding in the cab and yada yada yada Colin comes back to the cottage with us.

I wake up in the morning realizing who is next to me and immediately freak out.

I may or may not have started crying.

Seriously!? What was I thinking?! An unattractive, plumber???


We meet up the next night at the club and I wake up the next morning to same thing.

Will I ever learn?

APPARENTLY NOT. Because history repeats itself 2 days later.

At this point I'm thinking maybe this could work. I've already fallen in love with him and am planning my Irish wedding (think castle and a lot of drinking). So what if I would have to stay home and raise our 8 children? I could do it. I could TOTALLY live on a farm. My pink rain boots with my Swarovski crystal cuff (to dress up the rain boots) would be PERFECT. Very understated.

I say a tearful goodbye to my future husband a couple of days later and accept that I probably won't hear from him until my next trip to Ireland.

And then the phone calls start.


Every. Day. Multiple times a day.

Luckily I'm a girl who loves attention so this is working for me. We talk for hours about our lives, families, friends and our future together.

And then one day the phone calls stop. Inexplicably.

I immediately go into stalker mode...which is really hard to do when the guy doesn't even have an email address.

Finally he calls. I address the whole, what have you been up to very casually by immediately demanding if he has a girlfriend.

I finally get him to tell me that he has met someone and that she approached him at the nightclub and they are now dating. My heart is broken. What did I expect? Him to wait for me to visit? Ummm YES. It's TRUE LOVE. It concurs ALL.

So at this point I realize our "fling" (as I come to realize it as) is probably over.


Until the phone calls continue...

Every. Day.

As Colin continues to profess his love for me I'm starting to think maybe he's not such a great guy after all. However (in all my recklessness), I continue to talk to him.

Why?

Because I like attention. Colin is VERY charming. He knows exactly what to say to make me happy...and I like this.

Maybe you are wondering if I felt bad for his girlfriend. I did. However, at the same time I had decided that I'm the love of his life and he is only dating her because he can't have me. One day we would still be together.

I lived in this bubble for a couple of months.


Until I discovered that Colin had actually been dating his "new" girlfriend for 8 years and they own a house together.

I guess the wedding is off. Fuck. I was really attached to that whole castle idea. I even had my dress (Vera Wang) picked out.


I'm starting to think my life is stranger than fiction.